


Sherlock Holmes And Love in Season 3

by fennishjournal (Shimi)



Series: Character Arcs in Sherlock Season 3 [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s02e03 The Reichenbach Fall, Gen, Meta, Other, Psychology, Sherlock Holmes and Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:13:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimi/pseuds/fennishjournal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is meta exploring the inner journey Sherlock makes from the beginning of TRF to the end of HLV.</p><p>My take on it is that we see Sherlock grappling with the complex and potentially deadly topic of loving and being loved and, because he is Sherlock, that becomes gloriously messy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Reichenbach Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we explore Sherlock's self-image, his ability to process his own emotions and the way in which he fails to deal with the fact that other people's minds work different from his own.
> 
>  
> 
> Bonus track: John, Sherlock and the movies their mind cinemas are fond of putting on, which lead to epic misunderstandings.

The Set-Up:

  * Sherlock isn't very amused at having to put on the hat and shows it. He probably doesn't like people laughing at him.

  * “It really bothers you. What people say about me. I don't understand, why would it upset YOU?” Wow. He has no idea how important he is to John or how loyalty and or empathy works when directed at him. John is worried that the press turning on Sherlock could hurt him, Sherlock can't really fathom that his vulnerability would be a concern for anyone. And I don't think John gets that this is what Sherlock doesn't understand. I think he assumes Sherlock is questioning the importance or depth of their friendship – which is John's vulnerability, by the way.

  * John will get his own meta, so I won't dive into this too deeply but I think this is a central conflict between John and Sherlock that pops up again and again, so it's worth mentioning here briefly: One of John's very, very sensitive pressure points is thinking that Sherlock doesn't care about him or that he isn't important to Sherlock. He has less of an issue with being drugged by Sherlock than with Sherlock denying that they are friends (THOB), for example. And he interprets a lot of instances of Sherlock being bad at processing emotions as confirmation of his own unimportance to Sherlock and then gets hurt. He is caught up in the familiar movie his mind is playing for him (My Emotions Don't Matter, starring John Watson) and Sherlock's way of processing and understanding/failing to understand emotions is so different from his own. At the same time, Sherlock likewise has no CLUE where John is coming from. He doesn't get that John doesn't know how Sherlock feels about him and he doesn't realise how many important emotional clues he is missing. And then there is his own mental cinema that tends to play him the “Surely your thinking can't be THAT different from mine?” and “Sherlock Holmes is rubbish at people and nobody likes him” movies.




 

The trial:

  * “Let's give smart-arse a wide berth.” “I'll just be myself.” “Are you listening to me?” Sherlock clearly does not understand why he comes over as a know-it-all during the trial or why that might be a bad thing. During John's warning he seems slightly hurt that being himself means he will be an unpopular smart-arse. I don't think Sherlock ever really understood why people react to his intelligence the way they do – both admiring and envious/threatened – so to him this whole topic is just an unpredictable and potentially painful morass.

  * He gets really angry at Kitty Riley and is masterful in his interactions with her. Angry why? Because she crosses lines? Because she sees him as nothing more than a stepping stone in her career? Because she more or less threatens to publish “slashy” speculations which Sherlock knows John won't like? Because she is not as smart as she claims and he finds it tedious to have to interact with her on the day of the trial when he is already jittery?

  * In fact, he gets so angry, he can't contain himself when he sees the barrister make a mistake and corrects her, thus coming over as the smart-arse John warned him against being. Sherlock can control how he seems to others – he must or he would not be able to act – but his emotional resources are limited as he is still processing the anger.

  * And then the judge questions his ability to process information and Sherlock just – blows. When he is criticised for proving his intellectual prowess which had just been questioned his lip curls up in disgust. Sherlock is in fine “you are all imbeciles and I'm so angry at having to dumb things down for you”-form. And clearly when the judge yells at him for showing off, Sherlock becomes more contemptuous because he ends up in a cell. God, my heart hurt for him here: People value him, call him as witness for his intelligence. His intelligence is questioned. He proves it and is then yelled at for that. Mixed messages here: Show off, don't show off, you aren't smart enough, you are too smart. Sherlock feels belittled for the one thing he thinks makes him worth other people's while.

  * Conclusion: At this point, Sherlock does not get that people love him for the person he is, not just for his deductions and intellectual brilliance. As far as he is concerned, being smart is the only thing he has going for himself and when that is de-valued, belittled or questioned by the people who seemingly value only this about him, he gets so angry because it seems people are questioning his value as a person.

  * “I can't just turn it on and off like a tap.” No, you can't. You can't hide how you are different from others, but how you must have wanted to once upon a time. No wonder John's criticism stings.

  * “Don't do that!” “Do what?” “The Look.” “Look?” “You're doing the look again.” “I can't see it, can I?” John points at the mirror. “It's my face.” John thinks Sherlock knows what he looks like when he has certain thoughts/emotions. Sherlock doesn't. “It's my face.” That's a neat way of showing that the most observant man on the planet is pants at observing, distinguishing and categorising his own emotions. Also, Sherlock assumes that John knows what he knows, that intellectually they are on the same page and does not get why John is angry at that. John is angry because he thinks Sherlock should have realised by now how differently their brains work but Sherlock finds it really hard to put himself into other people's shoes. The idea that John can't keep up legitimately does not occur to him and he is baffled and annoyed at hearing that it should. (Both mental cinemas are going at full blast.)




 

Moriarty:

  * Sherlock is so tightly controlled in his encounter with Moriarty. I think it's a combination of genuine fear and his brain going into overdrive. Moriarty has just demonstrated how powerful he is and Sherlock certainly has imagination enough to paint himself a picture of what else Moriarty could do with all that power.

  * And no, he is NOT pleased Moriarty is back on the streets. That jaw twitch of barely contained contempt. Tight, tight control. I think Moriarty both disgusts him and disturbs him on a very fundamental level. Possibly because Sherlock – who has trouble with emotional nuances – thinks he and Moriarty are similar when they really, really aren't. Shades of the sociopath diagnosis?

  * The contrast of Sherlock with Kitty and Sherlock with Moriarty is striking. He feels contempt for both but Kitty mostly just annoys him without being a threat to him, while Moriarty makes him deeply, deeply uneasy and disgusted. He looks like he wants a shower.

  * Now Moriarty asks Sherlock to prove his cleverness and how very different this scene is from the one in the courtroom! Sherlock really has to use all his faculties, really has something to prove and someone who is delighted with his cleverness. While he hates Moriarty he must also feel a certain sense of relief at finally having found a someone other than Mycroft who enjoys the same kind of mental gymnastics and can keep up with him. That relief of finally being allowed to, HAVING to take the brakes off and having to run flat out, not knowing for once if you will win or lose.

  * What a conflict! The only intellectually worthy adversary is the most emotionally and morally repellent person Sherlock has ever met.

  * That he is repellent to Sherlock on a visceral level becomes clear immediately: While Sherlock is often angry and frustrated in his unsatisfying interactions with ordinary people he never doubts they ARE people the way Moriarty does. “What must it be like in your tiny little brains?” is a cry of frustration while “Aren't ordinary people adorable? I should get myself a live-in one.” dehumanises and makes people into pets. And Sherlock gets angry at hearing people – people he loves, like John, yes, but also just people – be described that way.

  * “I've never liked riddles.” Sherlock is angry and he is scared. Not for himself, I believe, but for what someone with Moriarty's power and lack of empathy/morals could do to the world. To John.

  * Mycroft's laugh at the idea that Sherlock might have had a school friend. *shudders* Poor little Sherlock.




 

At the boarding school:

  * Sherlock is an ASS to the headmistress. But then, he is under a lot of pressure. He has an idea of what Moriarty can do to the world and he knows that this is where it starts. It's unfeeling yes, but emotions are what eats up more processor space than anything else for Sherlock, especially other people's. And he thinks he simply cannot afford them right now.

  * The little boy that Sherlock describes, who sleeps in his bed at boarding school and lies awake every night, his eyes fixed on the light of the door: Is that conjecture or memory? Sherlock, at boarding school, would definitely have known the outline of everyone he might see through the glass and that need for knowing exactly who might come through your bedroom door makes me shiver.

  * “Get Anderson”/”Brilliant impression of an idiot” Sherlock has no time for petty feuds now but he also has no time for wrong conclusions. He needs all the information he can get and he needs it now.

  * Sherlock's chuckle isn't really him having fun and being glad to be working this case, no matter what John suspects. It's a “Ha, you son of a bitch, I got YOU”-chuckle because the footprints are a clue. But Sherlock feels that, again, he has no time to explain the difference. His brain is whirling so fast and so desperately at this point and imagining what other people think and feel about him are so hard for Sherlock that doing both probably seems impossible.




 

With Molly:

  * God, he is snide with Molly, though, isn't he? Still, the compassion subroutine is turned off in order to have maximum data processing efficiency. Which is also why he calls Molly “John”: His mind is firmly elsewhere. “Please don't feel the need to make conversation, it's really not your area.” God, it's mean but he is so anxiously processing all this information and she keeps talking while he is trying to think. I can understand the impulse to be totally snide in order to not lose a train of thought.

  * Sherlock looking sad when he thinks no one can see him and looking shocked when Molly says she doesn't count: He is looking sad because he probably has an inkling already that he might not prevent Moriarty from doing harm to people. I think he is actually shocked that she thinks she doesn't count and he is taken aback at her offer of help because he is unused to people offering him help. The lack of a thank you is due to – the flutter of the eye-lids gives it away – his brain being unable to process all these emotional data bits in sufficient time to react at all.

  * Conversation with Moriarty challenges Sherlock's intellect in a way he knows how to handle but conversation with Molly challenges him to the degree where he stumbles and blinks and can't even get a sentence out before she is out the door. <3




 

At Scotland Yard:

  * When Lestrade cautions Sherlock about talking to the little girl Sherlock puts it as “Not be myself.” He has clearly internalised an idea of himself as bad with people, bad with emotions, bad with children.And yes, from what we have seen so far, he IS bad with people. But there are also clear indications that he does have the resources and basic abilities to become better at this and I'm not sure Sherlock KNOWS that. I think he assumes that being bad with people is something he IS, not something he DOES. Ouch.

  * Lestrade's attempt at levity: “Well, don't let it get to you, I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room. Actually, so do most people.” He realises Sherlock is upset at a little girl screaming in fear at him and he tries what he thinks of as friendly teasing. From Sherlock's facial expression, though, it rather looks like he just touched the sore spot AGAIN. Ouch.

  * “This is my cab, you get the next one. You might talk.” Sherlock has just seen IOU, he knows things are going to get even worse and he needs time and space to process, dammit. John talking really might endanger them all. No processing space for social niceties.




 

Fugitives:

  * “It's a game and not one I'm willing to play.” Sherlock knows what's at stake and he does not approve. I think this episode makes a neat point of the fact that Sherlock and Moriarty are very different but that Sherlock might not be truly able to assess that difference. Moriarty genuinely does not care about ethics and people, Sherlock just sometimes creates the impression that he doesn't. That's difficult to disentangle, especially if you find it hard to judge the impression you make on others because it's so bound up with intense feelings.

  * Sherlock, who still doesn't get that John cares what people think of Sherlock because of compassion, thinks that John has started to doubt. And that makes him angry, so angry and hurt and frightened. To him it looks as if Moriarty is corrupting one of the most important relationships in Sherlock's life. What convinces Sherlock that John still believes in him is John's quip about Sherlock being an annoying dick. That is a kind of affection Sherlock finds familiar and believable: One that comes with an insult and devalues his social skills. Oh, Sherlock!

  * Sherlock's little smile as John joins him in cuffs. He did not expect this and is pleased, so pleased.

  * Sherlock knows that what makes Moriarty's lie believable is that it is what everyone wants to believe anyway: That Sherlock is ordinary, that his intelligence, what makes him special, is fake. He knows people don't want him to be the way he is and that they can get vicious because of it.

  * Moriarty turns up at Kitty's flat and the look of horrified revulsion and fear is back on Sherlock's face. This is where his “I'm thinking furiously and keeping feelings at bay”-face falls apart. He realises that there is just one thing left to do for Moriarty, namely to kill Sherlock and he is scared. So scared. So he goes to the one person he knows can handle that kind of emotion AND help him: Molly.

  * “If I wasn't everything you think I am, would you still help me?” The vulnerability of that question and of Sherlock's face at that moment kills me. He thinks people only like him because he is clever and useful, so if Moriarty convinces everyone Sherlock is neither of those things, people will stop wanting to be his friends and wanting to help him, right? OUCH




 

The Showdown

  * When Sherlock thinks he cracked the finger tapping code he goes back into “must save the world now, will have emotions later”-mode.

  * In addition, this is the moment where he knows he might have to say good-bye to John forever and so he makes sure, so very, very sure that John will not come close to him physically or emotionally because it would destroy Sherlock's ability to function when he needs it most. John has no way of understanding that and calls him a machine, not knowing that Sherlock cannot afford the barrage of emotions saying good-bye would cause and, again, taking it as confirmation of his own worst fear: that he and other people don't matter to Sherlock.

  * Sherlock is on the side of the angels, yes, but he will happily play at having an anti-social personality disorder to get Moriarty where he wants him. Still, telling the man he has loathed so intensely that “I'm you” must have cost him something. 

  * That utter horror when Moriarty draws the gun on himself. Sherlock did not expect this and he has never been so close to this violence of self-annihilation before.

  * That tearful “I'm a fake.” I think this is Sherlock speaking the truth, voicing a painful but deep-seated belief: That he isn't truly worthy of being loved. Maybe he thinks John will believe that Sherlock wasn't as smart as he seemed to be and think of him with contempt. Maybe it's just that he knows the only way out now will cause such pain. Can a man be lovable if he causes his best friend such pain? Surely not. My heart is breaking. Sherlock who believes that people only love him because of his crime solving abilities tells John to tell everyone who has ever loved Sherlock that these abilities are not real. Sherlock doesn't know what will happen in the future. He can't be entirely sure he will survive the jump and he has no idea if he will ever make it back to those he loves, alive. And at the same time he thinks he has to give away the chance that they will at least remember him fondly. Sherlock really believes that by telling John he is a fake he will not just be physically but emotionally dead to everyone and he almost can't bear it.

  * And God, John is making it so very, very hard for Sherlock because he simply refuses to believe that Sherlock is a fraud. Sherlock, who is only beginning to learn that people really care about him, are loyal to him, did not plan on John being this stubborn about remaining his friend and it must make doing what he has to so much more painful.

  * Whatever happens, Sherlock knows he really is ending his life as he knew it and he is terrified. And so he asks John to be with him in his last moments. And yes, I know it was necessary so John would see only what he was supposed to. But that doesn't make the emotions of this scene any less real to me.

  * It must have been both a relief and utter torture to see John at his grave. I mean, _I_ cry every time I watch that scene and I KNOW it's TV! But when we cut to Sherlock he has his “have to process data and survive”-face back on. He can't allow himself to feel, not yet. I really think that Sherlock is so threatened by all his emotions after TRF that he packs them away as tidily as he can and desperately tries to just get on with surviving and taking down the crime empire that is still a threat to the world and those he loves. He probably tells himself that he will go back to feeling things once he is back home. *heart breaks*




 

So, in conclusion:

From this episode alone we know that Sherlock feels emotions intensely, even if he is not always aware of when he does or able to differentiate and classify, let alone control, them. In fact, emotions are consistently the only thing that can shut his thought processes down or impair them significantly and so he has developed the ability to cut himself off from emotions completely when he needs to process a lot of important data fast. Emotions make him vulnerable, confused and _slow_.

 

We also know that Sherlock has great trouble imagining what other people really feel and think about him. He does not understand that others don't realise what's going on inside his head and heart and is hurt and confused by this as well as annoyed.

 

And finally, this is the self-image Sherlock has: Of a lonely boy, smarter than the others and therefore often annoyed at them and their slowness, who believes that his cleverness is both the only thing people value about him and the reason many of them despise and envy him. He knows they wish he was more ordinary and long to take his cleverness away which he believes would spell out social death for him.

 

Sherlock, I think, loves people for being who and what they are (even if he might not be able to put it into words like that) but he doesn't think anyone loves him that way, though he might be wondering about John at the end of this ep.


	2. Many Happy Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many Happy Returns aka "The video message of an eight-year-old"
> 
> Mostly, a confirmation of what we saw in TRF as well as some chilling speculation.

It's unclear when Sherlock recorded this message for John – probably some months before TRF – but it fits well with what we saw there:

 

  * Sherlock thinks that winking and smiling humanises him. That implies he isn't usually perceived as human. OUCH. He has no idea why people like it when he does it. Or, I feel, why people ever like him.

  * Sherlock is so nervous at the beginning of that video. Clearly, he finds this difficult and it makes him feel helpless and insecure. The way he snarks about “there'll be people” and “all his friends hate him” sounds very eight-years-old to me. He probably enjoys having Lestrade there as the resident adult who allows Sherlock to briefly act like the child he probably feels like in this situation: Petulant and saying mean things he doesn't necessarily mean but which feel good at the moment.

  * Sherlock writing an essay on suppressed hatred based on John's friends: The horrifying interpretation is that Sherlock has got the facial expressions for fondness and hatred confused when they are being expressed very subtly. Non-verbal emotions people are trying to hide (*cough*because they are repressed British soldier blokes*cough*) are devilishly hard to read and Sherlock operates under the assumption that most people around him dislike him – so he probably interprets a lot of vague emotional clues that way. Also, the sort of borderline/narcissistically-tinged personality he has often springs from having caretakers who feel both hatred and love towards their child at the same time and send confusing signals.

  * The less horrifying interpretation is that Sherlock is really nervous so he babbles nonsense at Lestrade and also really jealous of the friends John has, so he subconsciously devalues what they feel for John. This makes them less threatening to Sherlock who, we remember, has a hard time believing he actually has friends.

  * Now, giving that essay to John as a gift and being surprised that it's not taken well: That I have a harder time making sense of. Is Sherlock really supposed to be that oblivious about what John would find hurtful?

  * For me, there are two possibilities: 1) tragedy: Sherlock really does believe John's friends hate him for the horrifying reason stated above and this is his honest attempt at protecting John from what Sherlock perceives as real but hidden hatred. That interpretation kind of turns my stomach, though, so I prefer option 2): it never happened. Much like the other stuff he throws at Lestrade here – pretending to have forgotten that the video message is for John's birthday, pretending to have forgotten what his excuse was, petulant whining about John's friends – it's not to be taken at face value. It might, in fact, even be a test: Does Lestrade believe Sherlock would do something like that to John? If so, why does he still like Sherlock?




 

In conclusion: Sherlock still has a hard time with classifying emotion and with expressing his own – in fact, he becomes a bloody MESS when he tries – and he has difficulty figuring out how friendships work.


	3. The Empty Hearse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Empty Hearse is about Sherlock coming back to his old life, his old identity and realising just how important other people are to both of these and just how difficult it is for him to deal with that.
> 
> We start with a glimpse of an unrecognisable, long-haired fugitive surrounded only by enemies and end with Sherlock Holmes in full costume standing in the glare of flashbulbs with John Watson right behind him. This evolution happens in three acts, each separated from the next by a “fake” Reichenbach theory.

This episode celebrates unreliable narration, especially in the fake Reichenbach theories. This does a great job of transporting the message that fantasy and reality are slippery in this season and that we never quite know whether we are seeing external facts or psychodynamic dramas. In the first act, introduced by the hero-esque take on Reichenbach, we see Sherlock slipping back into his identity and reuniting with important people. In the second act, introduced by the “Sherlock and Moriart dupe John”-theory, Sherlock tries to inhabit his old life again, albeit without John. And in the third act, introduced by the supposedly factual statement for Anderson, we see Sherlock telling....the truth. Or a version of it. In the following I will do a scene-by-scene dissection of the intrapsychical and interpersonal processes involved in this journey.

 

 

**Act I: Taking up the mantle again**

 

Part 1:Sherlock tries to put his old life back on like a coat but things are rarely this easy

The first thing we see of Sherlock is him running for his life and then him chained up in a basement after a period of sleep deprivation, being hit HARD. If this is any indication of what the last two years have been like for Sherlock, I can only suspect that he has had absolutely no time and space to be in touch with his emotions. He has probably been in stony-faced survival mode permanently, trying to make himself feel as little as possible because he literally couldn't afford it.

 

Sherlock is barely recognisable in these first scenes, right down to the smile. What if Sherlock – who must have taken on a number of false names – takes on a false identity while on the run and uses that to help him keep things at bay? Not necessarily in a dissociative identity disorder way, more like being deep inside a role (the way my therapist role protects me from being personally hurt by my patients' rage). That way, whatever happens can't really touch Sherlock, it mostly just touches the role. And we later see him “shave off” the old role and put on his real identity (the coat).

 

I find it interesting that a massive terrorist attack on London does not seem to faze Sherlock the way Moriarty did. Possibly, Sherlock has been through so many situations like this since, that he takes it in stride. He certainly seems very confident that he will resolve things in time. Possibly with good reason. What's certainly clear is that John Watson trumps a terrorist attack on Sherlock's list of priorities.

 

The fact that he hasn't been in contact to prepare John – presumably since the Serbian situation was resolved, as that was the last of Moriarty's empire – can be seen as an indication of Sherlock being afraid of what he will find. The way Sherlock talks about John and his moustache-of-mourning clearly shows just how disturbed Sherlock is by seeing such physical evidence of change. He is worried, very worried, that John has changed and that there is no longer a “we” and so he tries to convince himself and Mycroft that he isn't worried at all. Sherlock Holmes is very, very well aware of the fact that John Watson does not belong to him and might not take him back and it scares him so much that he tries to pretend the opposite.

 

Sherlock needs to come back to himself before he can even begin to solve any cases. “Welcome back Mr Holmes”, indeed. This is why he cares so much about the shirt and the coat, cares so much about going back to John. When he is putting the coat back on he is trying to put his old life, his old self back on. His old protection. Sherlock changed during his time away and now he is doing everything he can to change back.

 

  
  
Part 2: Disguises and distances lend both anonymity and distinction

That first deduction in the restaurant certainly seems like Sherlock gleefully stepping back into his old role. He does what he knows he does well in order to anchor himself in a situation that must be downright terrifying. Sherlock's happy little smile at deducing the waiter changes to an expression of doubt and vulnerability as soon as he sees John – which is gone again in an instant as he puts on the disguise. Yes, Sherlock is scared and he tries to anchor himself by doing things he is good at (deducing, acting) and slipping into a role.

 

The fact that he puts on a disguise to get close to John is especially significant. Sherlock is probably very afraid of what might happen if he, as himself, suddenly turns up in front of John. Better to be in disguise. Anyone, even a French waiter, might be more palatable to John right now than Sherlock. And Sherlock gets to distract himself from his own feelings by acting. Clearly, too, this is a spur of the moment decision: Sherlock didn't PLAN to approach John as someone else – hence the wonderful montage of him stealing props and make-up – and I think this change of plans comes from Sherlock suddenly realising the depth of complicated emotions he feels right now and needing to interpose something between himself and the confrontation ahead.

 

The fact that John doesn't immediately recognise Sherlock in his disguise clearly surprises Sherlock. Maybe it brings home to him just how utterly he has been gone from John's world. I'm not sure Sherlock really is able to estimate what these past two years have been like for John or the complexity of emotions John has since worked through. And so he is utterly thrown because for him, John has never been dead the way he has been to John. His old life – that must have been his hope – was just there, unchanged, waiting for him to walk back in. This disconnect from John and possibly the difference between the real John and the memory of him, which Sherlock undoubtedly clutched close during his years away, must be disconcerting and very, very frightening. In addition, I'm pretty sure that Sherlock has no idea he is crashing John's proposal. Which is interesting in itself: Sherlock has so much emotional information to process in that moment that he does not have room for his usual deductions once he sees John.

 

Sherlock's speech on how the tux “lends anonymity to friends” sounds almost hurt. The fact that John almost doesn't recognise him and Sherlock's frustration with that is interesting: His disguise, his distancing mechanism worked TOO well. It didn't just give Sherlock the chance to distance himself from his own emotions, it also prevented any real contact with John who didn't realise who he was talking to. Defense mechanisms can be tricky that way. I think this is Sherlock's central dilemma: He feels he can't deal with fully slipping back into his old self and taking all the emotions that entails and at the same time that is precisely what is necessary in order to make the emotional reconnection to John which he craves. In order for contact, for relationships to happen you have to make yourself available, vulnerable, touchable and the idea of that scares Sherlock shitless.

 

And then John does realise who is hiding behind that disguise. What might be going through Sherlock's mind at that moment? He looks anxious and open. _John, why don't you recognise me? Don't you know it's me? Don't you know I spent the last two years thinking of you and trying to make my way back to you? Putting my own life on the line time and time again to save yours?_ I seriously think that Sherlock a) has no idea just how shocking his appearance is to John and b) just how different their experiences of the last two years have been. _Love me John! Say you are so happy to have me back! Show me that I'm lovable the way you seemed to promise shortly before I died. Surely I have to be more lovable now?_ But John, of course, has no idea of what's going on or what Sherlock is thinking and feeling. So we are treated to the painful scene of John's face trying to express 20 emotions at once and Sherlock coming to the horrified realisation of just how painful things have been for John. How hard they are right now: “Bit mean springing it on you like that, could give you a heart attack.” Sherlock feels John's pain and his own guilt suddenly, all disguise and distancing mechanism gone, save his babbling. Or, the short version: John is having intense emotions and Sherlock has absolutely no idea how to handle that. Especially since he is brimming with his own emotions. And so he tries to make a joke to lighten the tense scene both of them have a hard time bearing. Which is spectacularly ill-advised but an honest mistake.

 

“Does yours rub off, too?” is not just a joke, though. Sherlock is in the process of trying to erase the changes of the last two years and of slipping back into his old self. He is asking John if he can do the same and then realises that John can't: His moustache won't just wash off. John has changed too much to put his old life back on like an old coat. Which is the moment Sherlock realises he owes John “some sort of apology”. John looks like he is going to cry and Sherlock looks like he is maybe already crying (we see Sherlock almost-cry a lot this season). Sherlock is still in the process of realising just what pain he has put John through and it floors him. He is appalled and feels an echo of John's grief that nearly pulls the rug out from under him and he has absolutely no coping strategies for situations such as this. And so he tries the joke again in his desperation. “How could you do that?” That is, in essence, not a question Sherlock can answer. Sherlock did it because he has the ability to distance himself from his emotions so strongly that he was able to assess that Moriarty's empire was more important than John's and his feelings. As Terry Pratchett would put it: Personal is not the same as important. How can he explain to John that that is the man he is but that it doesn't meant that John doesn't matter? I actually think John's turn to violence is a relief for both of them at that moment. They are far better equipped to deal with rage than with sadness and it does break that unbearable emotional tension. Also, note that Sherlock, who spent the last two years fighting vicious criminals does not even attempt to break John's hold. It might be my imagination but Sherlock almost looks relieved in that scene. Possibly he feels that he deserves choking.

 

_Sherlock is beginning to realise what the last two years have meant for John and comes to the painful realisation that reconnection can only happen when he puts himself out there to be hurt and emotionally overwhelmed._

  
 

  
  
Part 3: Sherlock realises how difficult things really are between him and John and that he has no idea what to do about them

The next time we see him, Sherlock is back in the “talk rapidly, feel no feelings”-mode that he spent much of TRF in. Distanced from his own emotions as far as possible. Which is probably hard for John because that makes Sherlock unavailable and denies John what he wants: To realise that he always has been and still is someone Sherlock cares about. Sherlock seems honestly surprised that John cares about the why more than the how. He looks stunned, in fact. Again, he has forgotten that the things that are utterly obvious to him are not to John. That John never knew about the threat to himself and Mrs Hudson and Lestrade. That John had no idea of the vastness of Moriarty's network. “Moriarty had to be stopped” is uttered in such a “duh” tone it's clear Sherlock takes John's knowledge of what that means for granted. Sherlock, who is usually so clever about figuring out what people know and think, has a hard time keeping his own perspective separate from that of people he loves. The boundaries between himself and those he cares about are blurry and that's what makes imagining John's point of view so very hard for Sherlock.

 

More than that, though, I think Sherlock at first doesn't understand what kind of why question John is asking. John is essentially asking: “Why did you put me through so much pain?” The answer he would be able to understand would be “Because I value your life more than your happiness and this was the only way. And I am so, so sorry.” But Sherlock, again, doesn't have the resources to put these sorts of feelings into words, even once he gets what John is asking. “Oh, I see.” He doesn't know how to make John understand that he did what he did out of love. “That's a little more difficult to explain”, indeed! So instead, Sherlock regresses: “That was mostly Mycroft's idea.” How old are you right now, Sherlock? Five? Six? It's a childlike attempt to distance himself a little from the hurt he caused John, to evade that one question he doesn't know how to answer but it backfires really spectacularly. It backfires because he hits John at his tender spot: John is always worried that he isn't actually as important to Sherlock as he would like and hearing that he was kept in the dark when so many others knew seems like confirmation of that to John. Now John doesn't just suddenly feel stupid for grieving so. He feels actively embarrassed because he showed so many strong emotions publicly to people who all knew they weren't warranted. Not that that should matter – they are honourable emotions – but I suspect John feels ashamed of displaying any emotions in any situation, so this cuts him deeply. Which Sherlock doesn't get at all. And then Sherlock dares to laugh at John's anger which must sound like mockery to John when Sherlock is really only trying to de-escalate things. So, that doesn't really work so well. When Sherlock talks about the elaborateness of his plan, he is trying to explain how much work he put into saving John's life. But because he left out that important detail, all John hears is “everyone knew except for you”.

 

It's a sort of conflict I see a lot in the therapy groups I lead, where everyone's perspective and emotions are very understandable and coherent to me as an outside observer but unintelligible to those involved in the conflict. I think it's very possible that Mary experiences a similar sort of double-vision to the one I have in such situations (imagine a split screen with two movies playing at once while everyone else only sees one and doesn't understand the other's reaction) and that this is partly why she likes Sherlock at the end of this scene: She gets him.

 

OK, now we get to the difficult part. Did Sherlock really not tell John because he didn't think John was trustworthy/would be able to keep his mouth shut? I can't believe that and neither can John, which is why he gets so angry. (By the way, if Sherlock had just stepped forward and hugged John at that moment instead of continuing to talk on a faux-rational level, he could have avoided a lot of bruises. You have no idea how much I want to step into these scenes as a communication coach. NO IDEA.) So, why didn't Sherlock contact John? Because of the snipers? If so, why doesn't he just say that? “Because you would have been shot the moment I told you” would probably have defused even John. My theory is that it started out because of the snipers and that after that Sherlock, too, found it hard to “pick up the phone”. He probably was in near-frantic survival mode for weeks after his fake death, shutting out emotions and just scrambling to survive and prevent the people he loved from dying (even if Mycroft's men take out the snipers, there are more snipers to be had). And, well, the fact is that John Watson is a shitty actor (as opposed to Martin Freeman). If the survival of the free world depended on people thinking Sherlock was dead then, yes, it is entirely possibly John's ignorance was necessary. Could they have faked John's death as well and have him join Sherlock in that endeavour? I think yes and I think John is rightly pissed that never happened. At the same time, John grieving is a great smoke screen preventing Moriarty's men from ever finding out who is taking them down one continent at a time. It can't be Sherlock Holmes, he must be dead. It's possible that Sherlock really thought that the only way to keep John safe was to leave him ignorant as long as the last vestiges of Moriarty's empire remained. Especially considering Mary might have started out as one of Moriarty's spies. (The problem of other people knowing remains. The horrifying solution is that nobody suspected Molly and that....bad and permanent things happened to the people in the homeless network. Probably on Mycroft's orders and without Sherlock knowing. And the parents are obviously old MI-6 in disguise. *throws up hands* I know! But that is the only thing I can come up with!) I think it's interesting that while “It just got harder and harder to pick up the phone. Do you understand what I mean?” worked between John and Mrs Hudson “I've nearly been in contact so many times,” which Sherlock says so earnestly and beseechingly, only seems to make John madder. He clearly doesn't believe Sherlock had a good reason for this (for reasons to do with his own psychic make-up) and that in turn angers Sherlock and makes him snide and dismissive. “I was worried you'd let the cat out of the bag” is so much meaner than “taking down Moriarty's empire depended entirely on people thinking I was dead and you were the most important indicator of that being true and I'm sorry”.

 

When John starts yelling at Sherlock it seems very clear to me that, again, Sherlock has no idea how to handle that situation or what to say to defuse John's anger. So, instead he makes another stupid joke and pretends they need to keep their voices down because it's still a secret. This, again, backfires. Unsurprisingly, Sherlock telling John he overreacts is....not helpful. I think he does so because by that point in time they've been at the heavy emotions for a while and Sherlock is all out of coping strategies.

 

And then, the “London is in danger, John”-bit. Which is kind of adorable, really. I mean, I think Sherlock really believes he needs John but I also think it's his last-ditch effort to simply make everything go back to normal. Because this has worked before, hasn't it? It's what drew John in in the first place. It should work again. Sherlock clearly has no idea that John needs time to digest the shock in order to even consider having things go back to the way they were before. Sherlock is looking for the reset button and making the tragic discovery that there is no such thing. These scenes are played as comedy but they illustrate quite clearly that Sherlock misinterpreted/misremebered something central to their relationship. He thinks that what John loved about him was his cleverness and the adventures he was able to provide. Which were important things that first got John's attention, to be sure. But by the time Sherlock fakes his suicide, John has long since started to love Sherlock for who he is, not for what he does. What John needs in this scene is a chance to reconnect to Sherlock on an emotional level but Sherlock doesn't get that because he thinks his emotions and personality quirks are what makes people like him less, not what people want to be in contact with. So instead of being frank about his emotions and giving John something to hold on to there, he presents him with a case thinking that this is what John wants more than anything.

 

“I said sorry, isn't that what you are supposed to do?” Sherlock really does not understand why the information he has given John isn't enough. And yes, Mary really seems to understand both Sherlock and John here and has managed to get that across without appearing to take sides. Which is why Sherlock trusts her with this confidence in the first place. And that is deserved because she tells him that he knows nothing about human nature – which he has just realised – but she does so with a loving smile. Which allows Sherlock to smile ruefully but not bitterly at his own failure. I really think that this is were Sherlock falls for Mary: He realises that not only has she been good for John but that she understands both John and him in a way that they don't understand themselves. And that she likes, even loves, what she sees there. She reacts with fondness and gentle teasing and the promise to make it alright to their failure to connect and Sherlock must feel that like a balm. Which is why we get the romantic music as he deduces her: This is were this becomes a relationship between three people, as Mary and Sherlock fall for each other, too. Sherlock might not have gotten John back the way he hoped to but he gets a new friend and good reason to hope.

 

It's interesting to speculate what goes on in Sherlock's head between his disastrous reconnection with John and the meetings with Molly, Lestrade and Mrs Hudson. He still can't resist the dramatic entrance with them but the tone of these reunions is markedly different. I can't help but think that Sherlock feels the need for a friendly face, for the embrace of people whose first unadulterated reaction is simple joy at Sherlock's existence. Greg's reaction is the perfect example of that and it must have been a crushing relief for Sherlock even though he looks faintly embarrassed at the hug (“Stop hugging me! I might start to have emotions all over you!”).

 

_Sherlock realises that reconnecting to his old life is far harder than anticipated and that he has no idea what it is he needs to say or do in order to re-establish his connection with John. He sees Mary as a potential ally in this._

 

 

**Act II: Sherlock tries to inhabit his old life without John and realises that he is missing the central ingredient**

 

  
  
Part 4: Feeling stupid and lonely and Mycroft is no help

Sherlock seems to give up on reconnecting with John for the time being and instead turns to things he knows he can do well, like solving crimes. Lonely, yes, but happy in what he does. Restarting his career. It's almost as if he is trying to convince himself that he doesn't need John at all. (And yet, the first word we actually see him saying out loud is “boring”.)

 

Sherlock falls back on his other contacts, starting with Mycroft. “I used to think I was an idiot”: Sherlock knows he isn't an idiot by now – he has built a whole career out of being brilliant – but I suspect that hearing this back then confirmed Sherlock's idea that the only thing that made one lovable was being smart. Now, however, he has realised that being smart does not necessarily earn him the love he craves and feels, quite possibly, like a different kind of idiot.

 

“Till we met other children” “Oh yes, that was a mistake” If Sherlock and Mycroft were kept in isolation for a while, had only each other for moral and intellectual development that makes it likely that their idea that intellect is the only valuable thing about a person intensified. And then their interactions with peers were unsuccessful: “Ghastly, what were they thinking of?” “Probably something about trying to make friends” This scene reads, to me, as if Sherlock has realised he made a number of important mistakes with regard to John and wishes he had got in more practice with that sort of thing. I think that the conversation with Mycroft about goldfish and the like is only partly out of teasing or brotherly concern and partly Sherlock looking desperately for a rolemodel. How would his big brother handle this very difficult situation? Sadly, Mycroft is no help at all here, so Sherlock steps up the game and tries to find things out obliquely by playing deductions. Here, Sherlock sees the client's isolation while Mycroft misses it. _How do I cope with being lonely?_ Sherlock is asking his big brother but since Mycroft never is, he has no answer.

 

“Anybody wearing a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?” Anybody who fails so much to conform to social conventions will necessarily be lonely. Sherlock has a stupid hat, too, and I think right now he feels like he IS stupid. Maybe, for the first time in his life, he really wants to be like other people because maybe then John would want him back. Which, interestingly, is where Mycroft DOES help him out: You can be unique, he says, and still be around others. The trick is not to mind that they know and you know that you are different. “I'm not lonely” “How would you know?” _Do you know how to tell what you are feeling, Mycroft? No? Damn. Because I don't either and again you are no help._

 

Mrs Hudson is much better at that sort of thing, translating emotions the Holmes brothers have absolutely no idea how to put into words and giving Sherlock the very good piece of advice to “talk to John”. Sadly, Sherlock is not convinced he can do better next time so he doesn't try. That his very dedication in trying multiple times to talk John around might mean something to John, that John needs to SEE how much Sherlock missed him and is now hurting for his company and his forgiveness, is not something Sherlock understands.

 

_Sherlock has realised that there are certain areas of life in which he is “stupid”, clumsy and untrained. He is trying to figure out if he can still be lovable like this and what to do about feeling lonely but finds his and Mycroft's resources are slim on that front._

 

  
  
Part 5: Practising sincerity and John as a stable inner object. Insides and outsides merge.

The very fact that Sherlock did have Mycroft over to play games means he is lonely and needs companionship and distraction from the case every once in a while. Which is why he asks for Molly's company as well. He feels the need for some friendly interaction while he is at work and she feels safe to him in that way. In addition, I suspect that Molly is a test case for Sherlock: He can practice being emotionally sincere and see how she takes it, he can practice being forgiven.

 

“You are not being John, you are being yourself.” On the one hand a simple factual statement. On the other hand, Sherlock might have learned the importance of the very different and individual connections he has to people and the different and individual support they give him. This seems a more sophisticated view of those around him than we saw in the previous two seasons.

 

Sherlock getting so angry at the deceitful stepfather is definitely a step forward. He is angry, so very angry at the man's deceit when his stepdaughter thought she had found the love of her life. Sherlock displays more empathy here than we are used to. His walls are crumbling. In addition, he might be a bit “allergic” to causing people pain by deceit as that is his own unforgiven crime.

 

Sherlock hearing John's voice in his head is a coping mechanism that has taken on a life of its own. John has become a good introject, a stable mental representation of someone who makes Sherlock feel good when he thinks of him. At the same time, the fact that Sherlock imagines a comforting inner voice to be a voice who belittles his intelligence – rather than say any of the other things we see John say to him – taken together with the fact that that is how he remembers Mycroft in his mindpalace as well, leads me to believe that that is how loves was expressed to Sherlock: As ambivalent, with double meanings and focused on absence or presence of intelligence. Being scolded for being stupid is love, to Sherlock. In addition, the fact that Sherlock is not fully in control of when he reacts out loud to his inner voices doesn't sound very healthy. The walls between Sherlock's inner and outer reality are crumbling and his inner life is threatening to spill out in messy and embarrassing ways.

 

Sherlock realises immediately that laughing at the train guy having a girlfriend wasn't cool. He IS more empathic this season. In addition, that guy is the a stand-in for “Sherlock the weird loner”. To see that he has a girlfriend might give hope to Sherlock. See, Sherlock, you don't have to deride your own difference. You can find love despite or even because of it. Sherlock remains faintly mocking of him – Sherlock, the guy who has written enthusiastically on tobacco ash – and that seems to me like we get to see what Sherlock's nastier side thinks of SHERLOCK: _You big weirdo, nobody likes you. Look how bizarre your interests are to others._

 

And now that scene with Molly on the stairs. Sherlock seems to have thought long and hard about how best to show his appreciation to Molly. He is sincere in telling her she matters and that he is grateful. Maybe not just for her help in Lazarus but for being his friend when he needs her. He is so much better here at saying the things that count than with John it's almost ludicrous. Maybe he has spent a lot of time thinking – possibly talking it over with Mrs Hudson and Lestrade – about what the really important things are that people need to hear. And now he is doing his very best to put that into practice. I love the awareness he has of the fact that Molly's world does not just revolve around him. Sherlock seems more grown up in this interaction than we have ever seen him. To not just think and know these things but to put them into action in this way – wow. Frankly, it's a bit of jump from the Sherlock who thinks that surprising John in disguise is a good idea to the Sherlock who can think and say these things to and about Molly and I'm not sure what to make of that. He might be playing a role here, “The mature adult”. By that I don't mean that what he says and does here isn't genuine but rather that he has maybe found someone into whose role he can slip in order to be able to say this. We know he loves acting and uses it as a coping mechanism in emotionally scary situations. Who knows, he might be role playing Lestrade here just a bit, the way John roleplays Sherlock at the beginning of HLV.

 

_Sherlock carries John with him as a stable inner object as he continues to grapple with the question of whether someone as weird as him can be loved. Sherlock seems to have understood parts of what is needed in order to connect to people and he is practising it on Molly._

 

 

  
  
Part 6: Accidental amends around a bonfire that only add to the confusion for Sherlock

Sherlock clearly still has no idea how to put any of that into practice in regard to John though. Which is why it's lucky John is kidnapped because it gives Sherlock a chance to show his love the old-fashioned blokey way: By being the hero, rescuing John and being frantic about his survival. Lucky for him, his wide-eyed and frantic concern tell John precisely what he most needs to know: That he matters to Sherlock very, very much.  
  
 _(cf. The Three Garridebs: "You're not hurt, Watson? For God's sake, say that you are not hurt!" It was worth a wound -- it was worth many wounds -- to know the depth of loyalty and love which lay behind that cold mask. The clear, hard eyes were dimmed for a moment, and the firm lips were shaking. For the one and only time I caught a glimpse of a great heart as well as of a great brain. All my years of humble but single-minded service culminated in that moment of revelation.)_  
  
I think, while Sherlock has NO IDEA why rescuing John means things are suddenly so much better between them, they are. Which probably leaves Sherlock both relieved and anxious because he has no idea what caused the change and if it might disappear again. Because I'm pretty sure John can't and won't put it into words either. This is why Sherlock is so frantic to shove his parents out the door: John is finally, inexplicably, willing to spend time with him again and he is not jeopardising that for a moment.

 

_Sherlock accidentally repairs a good deal of his relationship to John but he has NO IDEA HOW HE DID IT._

  


Part 7: Another accidental reconnection but John still isn't safe

Sherlock is bored and annoyed at his parents' babbling but I like to think it's a comfortable and familiar kind of annoyance. If it hadn't been for John he would have had them drone on in the background while he did his work, like a radio.

 

A brief note on the Holmes parents, because they really need their very own meta: I'm not buying that these two people raised Mycroft and Sherlock entirely. No because of class or intelligence issues – those are plausible to me – but because the sort of defense mechanisms and relationship styles the brother display don't just spontaneously develop in an emotionally functional household. Basically, they had to go through serious shit as children in order to be like that as adults. And Mummy and Daddy Holmes come over as much too emotionally secure, warm and competent to provide that kind of damage. My personal headcanon is that Mycroft and Sherlock were adopted relatively young and that Mummy gave up her career because she knew nobody else had the intellectual AND emotional resources to deal with them.

 

But back to John, who brings it up again: Everyone knew but him, even the parents. And Sherlock, who still has no idea what the emotional significance of that is to John, apologises. I think he is truly sorry but he is also frustrated because it seems to him he has to apologise again and again for the same thing and it doesn't change anything. But then, by luck, he hits on the one thing that will help: Sincerity. The last time he says sorry, his voice is completely different and much more like in the scene with Molly: Sincere, earnest, contrite without any mockery. And that DOES work. Probably still inexplicably for Sherlock but he and John fall back into familiar homoerotic banter and case solving mode.

At the same time that John has almost come back to him, Sherlock also has to confront the fact that he John is still in danger and that he doesn't know from whom or why. Sherlock looks vulnerable, afraid and self-reproaching when he has to admit as much to John. Not matter what he does, John and his connection to Sherlock remain at risk.

 

_Sherlock reconnects to John by accident AGAIN and has to confront the fact that he lacks the information and resources to keep John savely in his life, both metaphorically and physically._

Part 8: What we talk about when we talk about the bomb or how to defuse John Watson

Sherlock lies to John about calling the police because he wants to cement their newfound alliance. In Sherlock's mind, what worked about the bonfire plot is that he behaved like a hero and executed a daring rescue. He wants to do that again in order to bind John to him. Of course Sherlock doesn't know that he is completely on the wrong track here. At the same time he is not so stupid as to actually risk everybody's life on this stunt, so he HAS called the police. Maybe he already is anticipating the bomb and how he can use it, maybe he isn't.

 

The conversation about the bomb is really a conversation about the bomb that threatens to blow up their friendship. “Why do you think I know what to do?” Sherlock asks. He has felt like an idiot for this entire episode, especially in regard to John and he has lost the confidence that he WILL have the answer. Sadly, John doesn't have the answer either. Like Sherlock, he wasn't trained defusing bombs/having these sorts of emotional conversations. And then the bomb goes live and John gets furious. Sherlock has put a bomb between them and refuses to swallow his pride in order to get help. That's what John thinks is going on. Of course Sherlock thinks his mind palace won't help. Rationality and facts, so far, have been entirely the wrong approach to defusing the emotional bomb between him and John.

 

Now, let's step out of metaphor land for a moment: They are in a train carriage with a real and live bomb. Sherlock knows the police are coming but he also knows the police might be too late for him and John. In which case it doesn't matter that he did call the police and there is no use telling John that. Sherlock is horrified. What he wanted was another moment as a shining star that would seduce John back to him. What he gets is crushing guilt for putting John in a situation where he might die. So, he tries to be heroic the only way he can think of: Sending John off so he can survive. That doesn't work either and John does not seem to appreciate the gesture. Too little, too late.

 

I find that scene where John is yelling at Sherlock to think hard to bear. Sherlock is shaking with how hard he is trying to think already and John's shouting must make it even harder. Sherlock doesn't have the resources to tell John to can it, though. And then he opens his eyes and knows how to defuse the bomb, both metaphorically and literally. He has thought of the off-switch but John immediately assumes he has failed. As he has failed John so often. And then he finds it: Both the literal off-switch and John's: “I'm sorry.”

 

We are oscillating between subject and object level in our interpretation of the scene here but I think it's entirely possible that Sherlock is flitting back and forth between these two levels himself. As we have seen before, he has trouble keeping inner and outer reality separate right now and he is under a lot of pressure. There is just too much data for him to process and so the two levels mix and mesh for Sherlock but he lacks the resources to realises he really, really needs to explain that to John. As we know, imagining somebody else's point of view is hard for Sherlock under these circumstances and explaining what's going on inside him is even more difficult. And so Sherlock doesn't manage to make it transparent to John that they are no longer in mortal danger.

 

“I can't do it John. Forgive me.” I translate this as: _I can't be the hero you need and want. I can't make you love me by being that. I can only ask forgiveness and hope that that is enough._ I really think the only way this makes sense is if we assume Sherlock has changed topic to the emotional bomb here and forgot to tell John in the heat of the moment. That contrition, those tears: That is real. And no, he is not doing it to make John say something nice or to look good. That's precisely what Sherlock has just realised won't work. The only thing Sherlock can do is to let go of all his disguises and walls, to let his boundaries crumble into dust and let all these emotions spill out. “Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.” _Maybe you would have been better off without me, John. Happier. Less hurt. You would still have a life ahead of you where you don't have to be hurt by me and my idiocy._ Sherlock's face when John starts to say these nice things about Sherlock and that he forgives him shows pure incredulity. _Why would you love me and forgive me, John? Now, that I have failed you worse than ever? I'm not even a hero anymore, why would you do that?_ I think this might be the moment when Sherlock first realises what he was only beginning to suspect in TRF: that John loves HIM. Not his shiny mind, not his clever cases and cool adventures. But HIM as the flawed human being he is.

 

_What we talk about when we talk about the bomb is the metaphorical bomb between Sherlock and John. Sherlock finally realises where John's off-switch lies and has to come to terms with the fact that John loves him, not his hero persona._

**Act III: Sherlock telling the truth?**

  
  
Part 9: Sherlock tells the truth or something like it

Then we cut to Sherlock telling a version of the truth to Anderson, which introduces the third act. This act is about Sherlock coming clean and so now, Sherlock admits to John that he has found the off-switch for the bomb and that there is no physical danger anymore.

 

At first I thought Sherlock's laughter was directed at John – which is clearly what John thinks at first – but I don't think that's the case. I think Sherlock is giddy with relief, completely overwhelmed by it and so laughter bubbles up as a kind of pressure release. And then Sherlock remembers: That's what men usually do, right? They skate over intense emotions by ribbing each other about them and pretending that it's something embarrassing, right? That's what John is expecting him to do, yes? Good, because he can't really do anything but laugh and shove it all away right now anyway. Resources: All used up. And John laughs with him. Yes, he also gets angry. But, sick little puppy that he is, he DOES laugh along with Sherlock. And in this giddy relief, some of Sherlock's old bravado returns: Of course he would find an off-switch to their colossal emotional bomb. Is he not Sherlock Holmes? Of course! Yeah, he is a bit hypo-manic here. “I didn't lie to you altogether.” None of the emotional stuff was a lie in any way, shape or form.

 

Now, everything has been aired, everything is out there in the open and their partnership can finally resume. Sherlock slips his coat back on – he goes back into detective mode – and he promises John to find out who is threatening him. He is slipping back into the hero persona, as John observes.

 

But John puts a bit of a spanner in the works there: He asks Sherlock if HE, John, will ever get the full story. Sherlock of course thinks John means the facts but once again what John wants to know is the emotional why: _Did you hear me at your grave? Did you hear me plead? Is that why you came back?_ And Sherlock says yes. _Yes, I heard you. That is why I came back. I couldn't reveal myself to you at that time but I did come back and went down on my knees in front of you, throwing away my hero persona to the degree that I don't know who that Sherlock Holmes fellow really is anymore. And I did that all for you._

And Sherlock gives the true story to the press now, with John back at his back.

 

**Conclusion:**

The Empty Hearse is Sherlock realising just how complicated coming back to his old life truly is. It's about him realising how very important John is to his life and how very bad he himself is at all of this emotion stuff. That must be a terrifying combination of revelations, especially to somebody like Sherlock whose self-esteem is very much based on being good at things important to him. This is Sherlock trying his best to become more mature emotionally and failing really, really hard at it in many ways. Which I like because it's realistic. These sorts of skills take years to learn. At the same time Sherlock also succeeds in showing his love to John even though this happens by accident more often than not. Because the love is real and is really there but Sherlock basically needs to trip over a metaphorical rock in order to accidentally show any of this to John in a way John can understand. Additionally, Sherlock is also still learning to understand what it means that John loves him. TRF shows us Sherlock getting a first inkling of the fact that John might love and value him for things other than his brilliance and heroics and I think this internal journey of Sherlock's continues here. It's hard for Sherlock to grasp that what John loves is Sherlock himself, not his daring feats, and that what John wants is for Sherlock to be emotionally tangible and sincere.

**Author's Note:**

> A note of where I come from in terms of meaning making and truth seeking:
> 
> I don't approach this meta series asking what the truth is about these characters' emotional arcs (and I'm even less interested in authorial intent).
> 
> Instead I wonder about meaning.  
> I wonder about connotation, symbolism (both private and shared), emotional truths and subconscious motivations.
> 
> In my day job, I'm used to taking a story, a mental image, a belief and turning it this way and that, not until I get to the truth, but until some kind of helpful meaning falls out.
> 
> So, this is me making sense of a show I love by looking for productive and helpful meanings without asserting any of them as the (only) truth.


End file.
